The holidays are fast approaching, and family members will soon be gathering. Whether you are the parent of adult children,possibly now living out of town and rarely seen, or you are the adult child visiting your folks … this can be an excellent time to raise the topic of wills, estate plans, and end-of-life issues. Yes, I am aware that it can be challenging to even bring it up, let alone discuss it, but if it is on your mind and you have perhaps procrastinated the conversation, read on for some hints and tips to make it easier.
TIME AND PLACE:
Clearly, you don’t want to bring up what can be an emotional topic during a stressful or hectic time. Choose a time when everyone is relaxed and in a private space.
HAVE A PLAN
Be prepared by knowing what you want to cover. Maybe you need to ask your aging parents about their long-term care plans, or perhaps you don’t even know what is in their will. Or, as a parent, maybe it’s time to share details about asset distribution with your beneficiaries.
ACKNOWLEDGE THE DISCOMFORT & STATE YOUR INTENTIONS
It can ease the tension and pave the way for a good conversation by starting with something like, “I know this isn’t easy to talk about, but it’s important to me.”
SHARE YOUR PERSPECTIVE
Explain why it matters to you. As a parent, you might say, “This conversation gives me peace of mind.” As an adult child, it might be, “I want to be prepared so I can carry out your wishes.”
ENCOURAGE DIALOGUE & RESPECT BOUNDARIES
Be empathetic and ask questions to demonstrate empathy, such as, “What are your thoughts about what should happen if something unexpected occurs?” or maybe, “Is there anything you’d like me to know about your wishes?” Be prepared that they may not be ready or able to talk about every detail. Some people need more time to think about it, so maybe break the conversation into a few sessions rather than covering it all at one time.
FOCUS ON PRACTICALITIES, NOT JUST EMOTIONS
Be prepared to discuss healthcare directives, powers of attorney, and living wills. Frame these as tools that ensure everyone’s needs are met and wishes respected within and outside the family, such as in medical settings. If these documents already exist, it is an excellent time to ensure they are up-to-date and reflect their wishes. And if they don’t have them, offer to help by suggesting a meeting with an estate planning attorney.
TALK ABOUT YOUR OWN PLANS
Once the topic is on the table, this is an ideal time to share your plans. This can help normalize the topic and help them understand how these things can and will impact them at some point. Again, as a parent with an estate plan, talking to your grown child without one can be an excellent opportunity to let them know you can help with their plan. If you are an adult child and have a plan and know (or discover) your folks do not, this is the opportunity to get the ball rolling with them.
Many families find it difficult to talk about all this; it is understandable. No one wants to think about their own death. I am hoping these tips will help you ease into what can be one of the most important conversations you will ever have with your loved ones. And having that loved one in the room with you is ideal. Trying to have this kind of conversation over the phone is not. I hope your upcoming holidays are both joyful and safe and that if you decide to start a “difficult” conversation these tips will help make it a “not-so-difficult” discussion.
My best regards,
David
SAMPLE CONVERSATION STARTERS
“I know it’s a bit of a difficult subject, but I really want to be sure I can support your wishes when the time comes. Could we chat about it?”
“I recently heard a story about someone who didn’t have a will, and it made things so hard for their family. I think it’s smart to have a plan—do you have any thoughts on that?”
“I’ve been thinking about how important it is to make sure everyone’s wishes are clear, and I’d love to talk with you about yours.”