We all know of at least one situation where a family member died and their loved ones became embroiled in a variety of disputes. And we’ve all heard about the court battles after celebrities such as Prince, Michael Jackson, and Tony Bennett died. It is a shame, and much of it could have been prevented.
You know the best way to ensure your loved ones don’t find themselves fighting is to have a well-written, clear will and estate plan, leaving nothing open to interpretation. You can proactively head off disputes, hurt feelings, and possible challenges to your will/estate plan by sharing your intentions with your loved ones in advance, explaining why you have made your decisions. They may not like your decisions, but it will be clear they are yours. This will help to reduce the risk of challenges to your will/estate plan after you die. That said, here are 5 things to consider overall to help reduce conflicts when a family member dies.
- Encourage the others to respect the will/estate plan and legal documents. If disagreements arise anyway, suggest consulting a neutral legal expert.
- Acknowledge grief and emotions. Grief may come out as anger, silence, or control-seeking behavior. Don’t take emotional outbursts personally; allow space for sadness and pain. I know this can be difficult for you during a difficult time, too. Do the best you can.
- Share the burdens – don’t let one person carry all the weight. It can cause them to become overwhelmed and resentful. Divide up tasks (notifying people, planning the service, etc.)
- As emotions run high, this is often the time that old conflicts arise. Encourage everyone to focus on the here and now. Use phrases like “Let’s come back to that another time” to get things back on track.
- Consider bringing in a neutral third party; a counselor, clergy, or even a professional mediator if tensions escalate. Sometimes these individuals can de-escalate situations better than a family member.
Last, we all know, conflicts and confrontations don’t just happen when someone dies. They can occur in any family, workplace, community, place of worship, or at your child’s soccer game. I want to share with you a book recommended to me years ago that can be a great resource: “Difficult Conversations – How to Discuss What Matters Most”, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen. This book is intended to help individuals start a conversation without being defensive, listen for the meaning of what is not said, stay balanced in the face of accusations, and move from emotion to productive problem-solving.
I hope you have found this information helpful.
Sincerely,
David